I know what it is like to be hurt. To be hurt so bad you think you will never be able to trust another person again. To feel so much pain that you question your existence and wonder how it will ever stop.
So you open your eyes and notice it isn’t the first time this pain has come. It is familiar, these thoughts are familiar, this hopelessness is familiar. There is only one common denominator, you. There is only one way out of it and that is through a radical transformation of yourself. A birthing of a new version of you minus those parts of you that attract this type of drama into your life. So you get radical. Therapy. Books. New friends. Abstinence. Celibacy for at least a year is what you promise yourself will get it out of your system. So you do it.
1st anniversary, a year later, here you are. Living in a cocoon of healthy surroundings, healthy friends and activities that feed your souls journey, yet, there is something missing. There is a loneliness that creeps in when you find yourself sitting alone on a Friday afternoon with freedom omnipresent and commingling with the setting sun at your favorite time of the day. You wish there was some special someone who you could share this place with, this space in time of the day and this portion of your recovery, this moment in the new chapter of your life. But there is no one. You go to bed and dream of that someone who visits you from time to time in the other realms. You beckon him to come into this one, you are ready.
A series of events lead you to a gathering of friends who want you to meet someone. At first there is no spark. You have denied your feelings access to these corners of yourself for so long you forget what it feels like. You have forgotten how to respond or what to look for. You erased all of that data last year anyway, this is a new program running. New territory undiscovered. The first meeting of a potentially relevant person in your experience on the other side of recovery, in this new skin. It feels good to be OK with whatever is happening because it just doesn’t matter. It is what it is. Feelings of freedom and empowering courageousness fill you up and the world is spectacular.
While high with these self discoveries in the company of others, you spend more time getting to know this person. There is a feeling of familiarity, there is a kinship that cannot be explained in mixed company. There is an inviting soft flowing energy aura around him the color of sparkling light yellow green, softness, delicately glowing and attractive. Your energy field is sparked into attention, noticing his as it calls to yours. The energies meld into one big sphere surrounding the two of you, mingling together, combining the colors into golden sparkling light. There is compassion and trust, there is safety and lifetimes of recognition in the atoms of energy as they join together again after so many years of searching. The comfort is indescribable, the recognition is known…. but not. The longing to meld and continue to meld is strong and apparent but thwarted and contained. This is awareness. The human existence in duality.
The evening is coming to a close. The door shuts and he is gone. The auras are forever transformed and will linger thus for some time to come. The presence of the other cannot be mistaken. His essence may be likened to that of lingering cologne on my seat belt.